There is always some guy who will attend lectures wearing a full suit. Like I mean, complete with a tie and everything. And it's always a different guy who does it.
Whilst there are a great number of observations that I've made regarding people attending lectures, I've just decided to post one for now.
There is always some guy who will attend lectures wearing a full suit. Like I mean, complete with a tie and everything. And it's always a different guy who does it.
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You spent one week with me. One week was all it took for me to suddenly realize how much I had relied on you, and how much I'm still relying on you given the chance.
In the space of one week, I never had to worry about what to eat for dinner, what to eat for lunch. You cleaned the bathroom on the day I was supposed to do it, and even did the laundry that I was meant to do. You did pretty much everything that should've been done by me. All because I had to study. I keep on relying on you when you're there, and my excuses always revolve around the fact that I'm studying. But somehow, despite studying, I still have the nerve to procrastinate. Sometimes, I feel an immeasurable sense of sadness at my own inability. I can't get the academic results that I ideally want, and I can't even try to calm your fears regarding how I'm just going to live my entire life all alone. One week was all it took for me to realize that actually, I wasn't really doing okay. I missed you. A lot. You're right that people should pretend to act weak but actually be strong on the inside, but I think for me, it's the reverse. I try to convince myself and everyone else that I'll be okay, but inside, I'm still that little girl. During the past few hours, I've tried to change. I shouldn't just sit there and cry about how I miss you. Missing you means that I treasure you, and I should feel happy that there's somebody I treasure so much to cry over after they leave. Instead of crying, I want to feel happy and grateful to have been able to experience such warmth. I'll keep this feeling inside me, and use it as my source of strength. This is how I want to feel. .....Have I grown up? Even if it's just a little bit, am I getting stronger? *Sets alarm for 6:30am* prior to sleeping at around 12 midnight.
*Wakes up to alarm at 6:30am the next morning* *stays in bed until 8:00am* ............Dear Self, please stop being so desperate in finding things to do besides study. The bed is comfortable, yes, but please, at least stay in there until like 7am, not until 8am!!! Someone who I trust quite a fair bit to always be honest with me told me that there are a number of government spies in the school posing as students.
It sounds so surreal, but at the same time I can see it becoming a very plausible reality. There are lots of things that we have yet to know about the world as it is after all. Besides, I find it to be quite an interesting concept. If one of my good friends that I end up eventually making at school turn out to be a Government spy, I wouldn't mind. In fact, I'd probably only get mad at them for not telling me sooner-- because it just seems so exciting! After all, it's not as though their assassins... well, at least I'm not somebody any country would want dead at the moment, so I wouldn't have to fear that whole "good-friend-but-kills-you-because-of-their-job" situation. Yep, I'd really love to meet them. xD From the title, you probably thought that I was going to dive into a great and wonderfully crafted blog about the false sense of 'privacy' that the internet provides right?
Well unfortunately, that isn't available on our menu today. The title is actually referring more to how I'm planning on forming my blogs. Most of the blogs right now are in English. Don't worry, I intend to keep them that way. However, on some occasions, there will be posts that are in Japanese. Reason? Do you ever get the feeling that you want to tell someone something, but it's really private, and so in some ways, you kind of don't want to tell them? Writing certain posts in Japanese is not to say that I've suddenly made a hobby out of confusing those who read my blogs. There are some things that I've really wanted to talk about recently, but not really 'talk' about. I'm not directly seeking advice, because they're the type of topics that I find would be more meaningful if I was left to ponder on it rather than be potentially influenced by the often well-meaning advice of others. As something that I've somewhat continually returned to, I find this blog a comforting 'spill-all' entity. Hence, if there are any topics that are of an extremely private nature, I will write in them Japanese. That is not to say that from now onwards, all my personal thoughts will be written in Japanese (funny, but no.) - I do like sharing--- at least, on my blog. Furthermore, that doesn't really stop you from translating it using Google translate or whatever if you're just brimming with curiosity. I'd say I would prefer if you would refrain from doing so, but for you to have painstakingly attempted to re-translate it all into English, I'm going to blissfully assume for a person that interested in my personal feelings/welfare, you're probably a person I'd tell the personal message to anyways. One more thing! I know I had mentioned that for these 'Japanese' posts, I talk about topics that I rather not receive any direct advice on. This however is not to say that I don't want any comments- I just don't really want to form my 'issues' into problems/questions that require an answer. I know, it's ironic, but haters will hate those who are ironic; or simply those who can't seem to be able to explain themselves clearly enough *cough* So, without further ado, now that everything has been 'explained', I actually start on what I've been meaning to write about for today. 私は、ジェームズさんの事が好きです。とても好きです。 4週間前、ジェームズさんに私の気持ちを こくはく しました。 ジェームズさんは まだ返事しませんでした。 じつわ、私はジェームズさんの返事は多分もうしてます。 たぶん、ジェームズさんは私の事が好きじゃないです。 でもジェームズさん、やさし過ぎるだから、その事を教えたくない。 やさし過ぎるだから、私はジェームズさんの事を惚れてしまった。本当、私はバカですようね? でも、それはジェームズさんの本当の気持ちですか? もし、ジェームズさんは本当に私の事を好きになれてしったら...私はそのかのうせいをきたいする事ができますか? This scene just makes me want to facepalm so badly. Seriously Yona, will you get the memo already? xD
Hak is the dark-haired guy by the way. Upon weeks of observation, I have finally gathered enough evidence to arrive at the decision posted today (although really, just sitting through one week of lecture and tutorials was enough to tell me otherwise).
In school, the only computers people seem to carry around are Macs. And almost everyone uses a computer when sitting in lectures and tutorials, so get your head around that. One time, a lecturer even amusingly commented on how dominating apple computers were, to the point that despite being a room with hundreds of students, he could pick out that "One small Dell user over there". Since you know, he's the only one using a non-Mac computer. I pledge that I am also guilty of contributing to Apple's sales, and for the sea of Apple laptops that lectures see when they face all the students. A 500 word limit for an assignment sounds really nice.....until they tell you that's this assignment is an "Essay".
Hahaha did I hear that incorrectly? Surely you didn't mean to say 5000 words right? I mean, I've had some experience writing up an essay with a 4000 word limit #ThrowbackIBdays If that didn't instil enough panic, they were kind enough to give us three broad analysis questions to answer within our essay. The 2000 word limit Case Study for another class is looking pretty good right now. I know that I need to be better, stronger, more independent to protect you and make you proud. Make me redeemable.
I know that you said that it's unnecessary- that as long as I'm happy, you'll be happy for me. But no matter how I look, I'd rather walk the path of thorns if it meant that I could save you just that one time when you truly need it. You've spent so much effort on me, and whilst you're strong, I can't help but fear that.....I don't want to say it. So many rely on you, and yet, who is there for you to rely on and protect you? You're human too. Even if it was to mean that I could never walk back, I thought I would have enough resolve to see it through. I thought that if I could be strong enough to save you that one time, I'd be happy enough with that. But do I? Do I have the determination to follow it through? If I truly wanted to be better, shouldn't I be studying for the exam happening this coming Saturday rather than bemoan my current state of powerlessness? Tell me, somebody, anybody. I can't sever away the part of me that wants to return. I'm still so weak. I don't want to be. I want to rely on someone. I can't. I shouldn't. I know that there is nothing wrong with accepting that one is weak, but time flows irrespective of one's own emotional stalemate. I...... need to decide. For myself. And then, accept.
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December 2015
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