I'm so sorry that I can't be there right now to talk to you just because you have a lot of time on your hands and I don't. Was it that hard to simply accept that right now, I'm in a really busy time? You could just support me, or is your support conditional to me talking to you and prioritising you beyond my work? It doesn't work that way.
I gave you space and didn't even mind when you barely talked to me for at least a week because your schedule was busy.
Yeah, commerce may seem like some real easy degree compared to yours. But I'm finding it hard okay? I need to put in a lot of effort to do somewhat well. Can't you just support me and understand that I need time to study?
Why can't I spend even 1 hour talking to you? Couldn't I work for efficiently? I'm trying alright, but it's not just as easy as "sit down and get your work done". I study in my own way, and it takes a certain amount of time.
"If you wanted to talk to me, you'd make time". You know what? I ignore absolutely anyone a week before anything of mine is due, assignment or test or otherwise. The only person who is an exception to that rule is mum because she unconditionally supports me and messages me without expecting any kind of reply from me. In fact, I can't remember the countless times when I got stressed out and my behaviour and speech towards her was absolutely horrendous and completely underserving given what she has done for me throughout my entire life. And she doesn't get mad- in fact, she knows how to calm me right down by understanding that I'm just at that stage. And now, you are the second person whom I currently didn't ignore. And that means nothing to you at all? Nothing?! I'm so sorry that it doesn't seem obvious, and that my studying technique just sucks, but that's who I am okay? People can't change over time, and I was still like this during my first semester of uni.
I'm a childish and spiteful person okay? how many times do I need to tell you before you get it? I'm not some ridiculously calm and mature person who just deals with things effectively. I have mood swings. I get mad, I get sad, I cry. Just because I choose not to tell doesn't mean that I didn't feel it.
Be more honest with you about it, so that you'd be given an opportunity to calm me down? But if I were honest, then what? This is exactly what you'd receive from me first. Are you actually going to think "I know she's really angry and upset right now, but as long as I continue to be happy, give her space, and send her supportive messages, she'll be okay because after the end of this rant, she'll feel better and return to normal"? No, you'd be upset, like any other normal sane person would. The type of resilience that mum has towards my behaviour is because she's known how I act throughout my entire life, and accepts me regardless. It takes time to accept something like this.
"Perhaps I don't even want to talk to you." Well you know what? I don't think people like talking to those who are consistently feeling unhappy or disappointed with the situation, lack of time. Nobody likes talking to people who are upset for lengthy times because it emotionally weighs down on people. especially since they themselves are feeling stressed out by other factors currently occurring. If I didn't care about you, then I wouldn't care at all as to whether your disappointed. I'm cruel and cold-hearted okay? i'm not warm and fuzzy and cute and everything else that you might perceive me to be. I'M NOT THAT PERSON.
Yeah, okay, "sacrifices have to be made". Sure, go ahead. Just say that. Because I'M JUST SO COMPLETELY NOT AFFECTED. I'M ACTUALLY JUST MADE OUT COMPLETELY OUT OF STAINLESS STEEL OR SOMETHING.
I choose not to rant about how sad I get or angry I get because I know that in turn, that won't improve your mood at all, and that I'm a completely intolerable person when I get upset and rant like this. I know people can't deal with it, that's why I deal with it myself. And I'm usually not pushed this far. The more emotionally attached I become, and the more hurt I am, the greater the rant.
And the other fact is: given that you are always open about when you feel disappointed or upset, I don't see it as reasonable for me to follow up with my own feelings, because it'd just drag the conversation back down to sour tones, which I don't want to happen. If our time is limited, I'd rather we spend in as happily as we could, rather than get upset because the other person is upset, because it would never end. Did you actually want to have a conversation on you being upset, me being upset as result of you being upset, and then you being upset because I'm being upset? Is this some conversation that appeals to you? well now you might have it, if I decide to send this to you.
I'll admit, I'm not a good person at all to be close with. That's why whilst I was happy when you said I was perfect, it really sort of hurt a little since I obviously wasn't, and obviously won't be once you realise that this is what I can become. Nobody will ever be able to accept this part of me; so I will never be perfect for anybody.