With the new year looming in front of us, I've also started contemplating a lot of things.
My blog has recently started running quite slowly, and I'm not sure whether that's just me or the host complaining about the amount of stuff I have here. So, as you do, I've been thinking about whether I should change hosts and move. Of course, I didn't know this when setting up, but weebly doesn't actually save any blog posts, so if I'm going to move, I've got to either leave everything I've every written behind here, or adopt the painstaking route of copying everything individually over. Thus, in being faced with this dilemma, this issue is currently being put on hold- I don't see myself moving anything (at least on this blog) in the near future.
I've also started contemplating quite a bit on the past. Ridiculous right? For a typical person, New Year could be likened to a new leaf in one's life. Whether it's beautiful or withered depends on everyone's own perspective, but for the majority, at least it involves looking towards the future, and not the past.
But I guess for me, I think that I don't really like to contemplate too much on the future because I once was told by a person that "If you think too much about the future, that future will not come true. Sometimes, gripping things too tightly will cause that exact thing to slip right through your fingers."
Cynical, huh? Though, through the years, I've discovered that unfortunately, this cynical truth is more the case than believing in some naive and pure outlook. Perhaps we're all just making too many conclusions about unrelated incidents, but all the same, one can't help but draw relationships between things - It's what arguably makes us human after all.
In any case, going back to my contemplations on the past. When I was a kid, there was once this time where I stopped at a traffic light, looked at the sky, and exclaimed: "Wow, the clouds are moving!"
I remembered that as I said it, almost all the people stopping at the traffic light stared at me as if I was blurting out some random nonsense.
To this day, I'm not really quite sure whether or not clouds really do move. I guess it just never really occurred to me to justify whether or not what I said was worth all the strange stares. I just immediately assumed that I must've said something ridiculous or so obvious, and resorted to quickly looking down at the ground.
Of course, that was back in the day when I was kid. It's now all in the past. Though, admittedly, in looking back, I can't help but think what triggered my immediate assumption that day. Back at that time, everything was pure, innocent - I didn't have any worries. At all. No stress. No mask.
Furthermore, as I think over how I've lived these recent years or so, the more I get stuck pondering on my choices. It's not as though I've never really thought about it over the years, I did, but I guess a year (or in this case, years) in review really does compound everything. I'm not actually the type to contemplate on tiny little decisions, like whether or not it was worth eating all the cakes the hotel restaurant had available that day. The decisions I'm talking about was my own ongoing personal dilemma between two significant, but antagonistic elements of my life.
A person once told me that: "You can make any decision, but once you make the decision, you must stick to it without regrets; that is what allows a person to live a happy life".
Since my dilemma involved the two very significant elements of my life, I can't really say, even now after looking back, that I chose one and moved on without looking back. If that was really the case, I wouldn't be writing this now anyway. Whenever I dwell on this 'dilemma', I continually try to think that "Yes, this is what you should do". But is 'should do' the same as 'want to do'?
What had made everything more complicated for me was that, it wasn't really a matter of whether I should follow my heart or my head, but whether I should chase after my own sole happiness, or pursuit a path that would most likely be able to protect the happiness of two (or perhaps three) significant others. Obviously, I'm not selfless- the path of fulfilling others would definitely also make me happy- but it wasn't the ideal that I had, all those years ago.
Then again, since I've never pursued the other path, the ideal that I had may had been well worth not chasing after- especially since it was created during innocent and naive days. In fact, from encountering others who have attempted to run on a path that led to my ideal, it definitely did not result in my ideal, far from it, in fact.
I don't think that I regret following the path that I am on now. No, in fact, I can say with definite conviction that I do not regret the path that I'm on now- not in the slightest. It is what I've chosen based on life experiences, years of contemplation, and my own judgement (that has hopefully been maturing through the years). It's just that occasionally, I think back, and reflect.